This evening, I found myself sinking very deeply into an unexpected feeling of sadness and emotional doom. I appeared to be so chipper and friendly to everyone–my roommate, the clerks at the grocery store. And beneath it all, I was rapidly sinking into my emotions like quicksand.
Someone even complimented my Poise…My Fashion Sense(((!)))
I was walking–poised and glamorous on my red carpet, and then some unknown force pulled the rug out from underneath my feet.
So many feelings came up at once, from all different directions. Loneliness came back to visit this time, too. The vulnerability of desire was too strong for me to confront–so I decided to affirm the opposite so that I would not have to face my own pain. I tried to push it away while stomping up the 4th floor walk-up to my apartment, angrily confirming in my mind that I will in fact, be alone for the rest of my life, so I might as well just make Art about it anyway!
Deep down, I know that none of this is true. In fact, I know from experience that it is better that I believe in my own worth so that I can be clear and grounded in my engagements with others–lest I glimpse a false mirage of hope and inevitably fall into the wrong hands.
But I was exhausted–and I didn’t care.
I walked into the kitchen, feeling encased into my own self-created prison block. Feeling like there is no one to talk to, and nowhere to turn. I was frustrated. My mind had been spinning negative messages all evening.
Sinking–can feel so much easier than Rising. Nothing more is required of you to sink into your old thoughts and patterns. You just have to allow your demons to eat you alive.
Sinking…can even feel strangely comforting. Rising takes work.
I don’t want to work. I don’t know if I’m doing the right things anymore and I’m tired of living. I don’t want to die–but I’m just tired of this grind.
It feels like I’m running on a fucking hamster wheel.
And I realized something else today, too.
It’s very difficult for me to be around people who succumb to addictions and weaknesses to deal with their emotions. Weed, Liquor, Coke, Sex, Bad Friendships. Food. Television.
(((We))) seen it all!
I’ve found myself exposed to such people from my roommate situations. What I realized today is that I have the same emotions as they do–I just choose to feel them. And it hurts.
But I have enough hurt to sift thru–I don’t need to live with someone else’s.
Especially when I learned what they don’t know ÆONS ago. And it ain’t my place to teach ’em.
I hope one day, the money I earn from my Art liberates me from this bohemian lifestyle.
I hope one day, I’m liberated from my own pain.
While I’m still alive, in this body.