I have been celibate for two years now.
My lips have not brushed against another’s…
My body has only been kissed, cuddled and caressed by my own hands, fingers and lips.
I make love to myself.
Some years ago, I came to a stark realization of my subconscious patterns. I was calling in sexual experiences which offered limited pleasure, freedom of expression, and expansion.
They were basic.
It was like eating a basic meal. One which took very little time or thought to prepare. It contained some simple nutrients and—sometimes satisfied my momentary hunger, but always left me wondering what it would be like…
To sit down to a candlelit dinner and be served a gourmet feast with the finest ingredients.
A gratifyingly sensual and soulful experience—catered specifically to my tender delights.
I was always left yearning for more. More Pleasure. More Connection. More Intimacy.
Heightened Orgasmic Experiences.
My sexual wounds from the past were haunting me and blocking my capacity for pleasure.
It was difficult for me to fully let go and surrender with a sexual partner.
Although my sexual experiences were increasingly selective, few, and far between—the rare encounters I did have, I still attracted people who were not ready to receive me on a deeper level.
My partners in some manner–just used sex as a means to get themselves off. Where my pleasure was included, they approached it as a means to their end.
They were unaware. I sensed every bit of it.
They were often kind and loving humans in other ways—but this is how we both– had been conditioned to relate to our sexuality. And conversely, with each other.
We needed to learn a new way.
I needed to Call myself back Home.
So I fell back into what has always been–my natural state of Celibacy.
Only this time—I am using this space and time more Consciously.
I am not sitting on my haunches waiting for someone to show up with the magic key to my pussy.
I am Delving into my own Element.
Exploring my own Authentic Sexuality.
And learning to to be my own Lover. First.
My Lover(s) are in Creation too.
We are creating ourselves to be attuned towards one another.
Slowly vibrating towards each other.
I am a highly sexual being.
I experience deep desires. Yearnings. Callings.
I still feel sexually attracted to others.
Attraction for me is rare, but when it happens it is powerful.
What celibacy has given me is space to observe that hot, wild, and seemingly uncontrollable energy inside of me.
That delicious fire of excitement that runs upward from my pussy through my womb and belly and heart…
The tensions inside.
When I feel attraction with another person, I am able to ground myself in my body.
I practice acknowledging and honoring those strong feelings of attraction rather than pushing them away.
And then I just observe.
Attraction is a very enjoyable feeling. I love the vulnerability that comes when I feel a mutual attraction with someone.
Our body language, speech, and intonations are soft and subtle code for
“I really want to fuck you.”
As a highly intuitive and sensitive being, I can always tell…When someone deeply yearns to fuck me.
It is something that cannot be hidden.
The gift of celibacy has allowed me to ground myself in these attractions and provide myself space to meditate on my inner tides and waves, and gain clarity on what they mean.
What is it about this person that I am drawn to?
I envision myself sharing my life with them. Making love. Sharing my whole being. When inspired, I fantasize about them while I pleasure myself…
And I also ask– Is this person in a space to cultivate the type of partnership or sexual relationship that I truly want?
I have walked a very long way on this journey. Is this the first person I want to share my body with after all of the time and energy I’ve invested into cultivating and loving myself?
If not—where am I standing within my emotional body in this moment that is attracting me to this person, and how can I use this energy to further cultivate myself?
I am always guided back home to me.
I’ve learned to enjoy, observe, and appreciate sexual desire as a natural part of the human experience.
I no longer feel that sexual attraction—even if it is strong—means that it is appropriate to fuck.
There are other foundations which must be in place within our own selves—in order to build and expand on that raw primal desire. To cultivate true richness and expansion in our intimacy.
…I just want it to feel as Special and Raw and Godly as I.