My Darkest Reflection :: A Dance of Shadows and Mirrors

This guy. Something about him was strangely manipulative. The “Loner” wound that we shared was a very strong point of energetic attraction. But I knew my own answers, and my will was too strong.

“Why do you ask?” I said.

“Because I’m interested in you.”

“Well this is not going anywhere,” I affirmed. “And that’s why I said I think you should find your friends because if we can’t build anything then there’s no point in continuing our conversation.”

He demanded another explanation. I refused to give one. I did not owe him one. He persisted.

“How can you say that we can’t build if you don’t know me?”

“I’m Intuitive. I don’t need to know you or know everything about you to know how I feel.”

I paused, before closing out, “And I’m not saying that because I’m a tough cookie or I’m playing hard to get. I’m being real and honest with you.” I looked him squarely and sincerely in the eye.

He nodded, looking at me, and then gazing downward.

Immediately, his energy shifted into a deep, dark space.

“Well, I think that’s a very disgusting perspective that you have. And you know… I understand. You must have a really fucked up life. And Imma pray for you.”

Space was shifting. I could sense these were his final words. His last call.

“Thank you,” I said, satisfied that he was leaving.

Sensing that I was not shaken, he dug deeper.

He looked at me straight in the eye, and spoke in the same calm, cool, voice as before.

“I just want you to know that you’re a really fucked up person. You’re real fucked up, and you got a real fucked up life,” he continued, spatting out his trash as quietly and sincerely as if he meant every word he said from the bottom of his heart and soul.

He mounted his bike.

“Bye Bitch,” he whispered.

At this moment, I was legitimately appalled. It was not really his words, but the energy behind them. What was most disturbing was that the actual moment was rather intimate–the quietness and quickness of the words, the fact that he sat beside me in the space I had created, verbally abusing me, and feeling entitled to do so. It was an energetic violation of my Spirit and Space.

It was one of the darkest, most confronting experiences I had ever experienced in my life.

I sat there in silence, sitting alone on the boardwalk-absorbing what had just transpired. I felt solid, unmoved in a sense. I was not even necessarily sad or angry. More than anything, I felt a need to be in deep meditation. I knew that something had shifted on a deep layer inside of me, far beneath the surface. Something had been etched inside of the recesses of my memory and changed forever.

I asked for the meaning of the experience, and I didn’t know the answer. I just knew that whatever it was that this man, this experience represented–it was an essential puzzle piece and tool in my own understanding of my own Power.

I stood up, removed my sandals, and walked barefoot, back into the abyss of sand, settling down in the middle of nowhere, where no one existed but me, the moon, and the stars.

I gazed upwards at the moon, and began to speak to her.

I was hurt. Again. What he said to me didn’t bother me–I knew he only projected his hurt and pain onto me because he himself was hurt. Moreover, what he said was simply untrue.

I was a beautiful woman–perhaps one of the most beautiful beings, both physically and metaphysically–that he has ever been gifted to share space with. I was both living and actively creating a beautiful life. He was a lost, wounded little boy seeking for love and redemption in the wrong places. That was easy enough to understand.

What haunted me was how I attracted such a man into my space to begin with. What was inside me that I needed to look at?

I spoke aloud, about my past. I spoke about my Loner-hood, and how I’ve been a Loner since I was in Pre-School. How I was different, and no one really played with me much…So I played by myself. How the friends in my life have come and gone so fluidly. I spoke about how I sometimes felt sad or jealous of other people who had real friends and family to lean on. I spoke of how I often feel Unseen and Unheard in my Artistry, and how it is another version of Loner-Hood.

I spoke aloud, with purpose and power. And I realized that I had attracted him–because my boundaries were a little weak. I was so focused on the idea of being Alone, that I did not have a Clear, Concise Vision of what it would mean to have a Friend.

And thus, because I did not have a Vision as a foundation and guide to carry me throughout the active and conscious creation of my relationships in daily life, I tapped out of the possibility of creating real friendships, and sometimes allowed and attracted people into my space who carried the same wound as I did.

They too, were deeply Spiritual, perhaps very gifted. But they were lonely. And Wounded.

These relationships never lasted, so it was a self-fulfilling prophecy. Despite my weakness in this particular area, I’m very clear-headed, focused, and good with my boundaries overall. My years as a Loner have served me in the sense that I grew comfortable with myself enough to appreciate being alone. I know how to create my own Lane and drive in it, regardless of who shows up, and I’ll always find a way to thrive. It is easy for me to dismiss people from my space, fall back from relationships which don’t serve me, and get back into the rhythms of my own element. But there is one caveat ::

I do want friends. I do want family. I do want connection.

My heart calls out for it. Maybe I am gifted, and ahead of my time. But I am still human.

Healthy, Loving Relationships are major aspect of Abundance.

I looked up at the Moon, and she looked back at me, with her sad face carved etched into the dust.

I affirmed how Powerful, Beautiful, and full of All-Intelligence I am. I affirmed that I am God. I gave thanks for the experience. I sent love and compassion to myself and to him. I celebrated myself and my wholeness, and created room for my own healing.

And then, I stood up, took a deep belly breath, and exhaled a song.

“Lllllllllllaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!”

I sang loudly, my inner-child’s voice taking up space on the Beach. Singing as loudly and unabashedly as possible.

And then I left.

There is no light without the dark.

I am a Dark Goddess. My Soul is ignited by the depths, power, and intensity of darkness. Despite how I may appear, I am not a creature of light, but of the dark.

When I arrived home, I wondered about Spirits and Angels who temporarily incarnate into human bodies specifically to provide a message, and leave this Earth. I wondered if the man I met was a being of such.

I realize though–that that is in a sense, the essence of life. We are all Spirits incarnated into human form to provide ourselves and other beings with messages and experiences We cross paths with great purpose, whether or not we are aware of it. When our purpose in this body has been fulfilled, we die.

In writing this, I am grateful for my experience, and how it has been a window to show me one of my deepest reflections. It has shown me that the time to lay fertile soul and plant seeds for my most vibrant, healthy and nourishing relationships is Now.

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